Just to fill in how I felt a couple nights when I was lonely and internetless.

Day 16. August 2nd.

I've begun to feel lost again. I think I've grown too attached to Grace. It's awful. Last night when we went to the arcade so she could hang out with her friends, I got really depressed and ended up chain smoking outside feeling sorry for myself and trying to cry. I think these cigarettes are making it so I can't cry as easily, which I don't think is a good thing. I don't know, maybe it is. Maybe my lungs will explode.

It's very depressing to listen to Grace talk about how she's going to die before she's forty like she's proud of it. She's a good person.

And two nights ago I got really lonely because of Grace and Kevin. And I realized me and Grace are best friends right now and will be for a while. So I went out and found a friend who bought me a carton of cigarettes so I could go surprise Grace. And when I got back she hugged me and said she missed me and I told her I missed her. And I went to bed feeling a little happier.

And the next morning I walked into Kevin's parents' bedroom and I saw all of Grace's clothes on the ground. And I felt like dying. And I asked Grace if she had sex with Kevin and she said no. And when I asked both of them how far they got, they said it was none of my business, which either means they did nothing and talked about messing with my mind, or they still did something goddamn awful.

And last night I got drunk which was horrible. Five shots. Two over my limit. I started throwing up at this diner we went to. It was orange. Thank the Slice.

And Grace got really pissed off because some guy made a cigarette burn in her favorite stuffed animal, which is impossible to find nowadays. Sentimental value maybe, I don't know. I think I'm too nice sometimes. Even with Grace breaking my goddamn car right view mirror, I was still happy to be around her. Maybe I'm crazy. She's probably going to crush me in the end. And I got all moody, and she ended up saying something like "the second we stop hanging out you get all emo and shit" which was really true and made me really frustrated, so I kind of hobbled outside and sat down and tried to cry. Which I couldn't.

And I really think I should stop hanging out with Grace because she's right. We have been hanging out a lot, and I should have been happy to see her having a good time with her friends. And I decided I won't get drunk again around Grace because she hates me when I'm drunk. Which makes me really sad because I try not to be so horrible, but I am anyway.

I think I should go. I'm spinning.

cya.

-george

Day 18

Me and Grace just got back from the beach. It was so fun. We didn't bring any swimming shorts or anything so we ended up just playing in the water and getting sandy and getting our clothes soaking wet. And it was really really nice. I don't know if anyone can be unhappy at the beach when they're smiling with someone they love. Well obviously they're not unhappy if they're smiling. Yeah.

Anyway, we were getting wet by the current holding hands and just having a good time. And Grace's ass was hanging out of her pants for good measure. And there's sand all over both of us, and I'm about to go take a shower.


And I really wanted to kiss her for a few seconds, but I didn't. So I gave her a hug.

cya.

-george

Day 22:

Fuck this shit. Everything is just wonderful. I want to go home.
- posted by Gumby @ 12:17 AM

 
I'm at Grace's house. I've been letting Grace take the car out at night because she likes spending time by herself because she can't sleep. She doesn't have a license.

9:30 am. I get a phone call from who I thought was Grace. Officer Kelly from highway patrol. Grace got caught. She has to call my mom. I'm worried sick.

One hour later. Grace calls me. She says she's mad at herself. My mom isn't pressing charges. I'm lost in all of this.

She tells me how she wants to die, because she doesn't have anything worth living for. And I told her t hat if she died I'd be a wreck, and she said I'd live. I cried. Later, anyway, not in front of her.

Sometimes I wish I were cuter or more charming or taller or fucking older so Grace might care about me a little more. I know it's shallow, but if I were more of all of these things she'd probably be damn near in love with me. And if I treated her the same way I do now, she'd know that she'd have something to live for. But I guess I'm not really any of those things, so I'm just a friend to her in a really low way, since obviously I'm not a friend worth living for. I just feel so god awful. I feel like dying myself.

I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't know how to act. My mom is going to kill me. Her dad is going to kill her. I kind of feel like throwing up. I won't see Grace for like four hours I guess. Maybe I should just go get some lunch. Maybe not. I'm glad that I'm the first one she called at least. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I just feel like I could go away forever and no one would really miss me. I mean, I did. I left my house for 25 days, and the day I got back everything was the same. They missed me, but nothing bad really happened because I was gone.

I want to go to this art school in San Francisco because Amber goes there and she told me how wonderful it was and how it would be like paradise for me. And I really wanted to go. And I wanted to stay with Grace forever.

I feel sick. I'm not saying any of this. I just need to leave forever.

-george
- posted by Gumby @ 10:59 AM

 
I feel so lame for writing all of that last night, but oh well. I did really mean all of it, so I suppose it isn't a total waste. It all just seems so horrible and corny during the daytime.

On a side note, I'm going to get drunk with a girl I like. Hurray,
- posted by Gumby @ 10:38 AM

 
I'm really more awake than I should be. I was wondering where Grace was and I looked outside the window and I saw my car parked on the side of the road.

So I put on my jacket and went downstairs and put a spare shirt I had in the door so it wouldn't lock. And I went out to my car and I heard the music playing but I couldn't find Grace. I was looking around and I finally saw her in the back seat fast asleep. And I looked at her for a few seconds with the music playing and I smiled. And I looked up at the stars and I felt little again.

And it's wonderful how little things like that can cheer you up.

cya.

-george
- posted by Gumby @ 3:59 AM

 
Watching this movie, watching Splendor in the Grass, watching Natalie Wood...

it all makes me like Grace a lot more. It just lets me know her a little bit better because of how much she loves this movie. Grace said it was one of the movies worth watching. And she's right. She's always right we agreed. Even when she's not. It's a joke we have, anyway.

I kinda miss her, and I kind of don't. And I kind of want her to read all of this, but then again I don't.

And this movie makes me realize I'm doing the best I can. And sometimes, you just have to sacrifice yourself and your feelings so that someone else will be happy.

cya.

-george
- posted by Gumby @ 3:04 AM

 
Day 20:

I wrote something in my journal a few nights ago but I couldn't post it. I will some time or another. Grace has been going out getting coffee without me at night because I've been asleep. It's very strange because I'm letting her use my car even though she doesn't have a license. And it feels like we're married because we bicker and laugh and are happy.

And I think the most horrible part about all of this is I think I'm falling in love with her.

I was lying here watching a movie and I saw her looking at old pictures of herself with long hair and dark make up on and she was really pretty and I felt so dead because even if I was sure of these feelings I have for her, things can't be like that between us, even if I wanted it to be. Because for one thing, I really feel inferior to her sometimes, but then on the other hand she needs me as a friend and nothing more. Someone that will always be there for her.

And to be honest with you, that's the only thing I can give her.

I feel so cheesy writing this. Falling in love with her. Who am I kidding? I mean, I've just been spending the past 20 days with her non stop and always end up missing her when we're apart for a few hours. Maybe I've just grown attached. That's more like it. And I'm running out of money, so it looks like I have to go home soon. Yeah.

I want to tell her how I feel, but I always think back to all these other guys who like her and how she's tossed them all aside like nothing because most of them just want to get in her pants. And I just want to kiss her sometimes, not to get any, but to see if we both feel anything. I'm just being dramatic here.

And more so, all of this is taking my mind off of everything. Including Starfish, which is a very good thing. And I think I'll continue watching Splendor in the Grass.

cya.

-george
- posted by Gumby @ 1:59 AM

 
Me and grace had this crazy conversation last night which put us both in bad moods beforehand, but ended up having us being happy again at the end.

I really don't know why I get so depressed. I want to kill certain people. And yeah, I still miss certain people. You fuckers.
- posted by Gumby @ 1:08 PM