I've been hanging out with Kevin and Grace for the past few days. We went to Sizzler. I had dressing, nacho cheese, and butter on my face. The slightly chubby latino girl at the table next to ours was spying me. Grace is starting to like Kevin. Kevin is a cool kid. I'm glad but jealous for some reason.



But it feels good to know that Grace will never leave me anyway. This is crazy fucking shit and I'm so sad for some reason. I feel like crying. I feel like going home and being sad again.


...because I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It feels like I don't even need to be here anymore.



I need to be by myself for awhile.
- posted by Gumby @ 6:46 PM

 
Grace is my best friend but I can't help but get jealous when she's around other guys. We're never going to go out. There is a story with my car that involves her but whatever, I shouldn't say it. Maybe later.

I really think she's pretty though. But I know what it's like to be in her position, and I know she wouldn't listen to me even if I told her. There are things she can talk to me about, and there are things she doesn't want to talk to me about. I got drunk last night and I remember telling her that she needs someone that thinks she's beautiful and treats her thusly. And I don't remember much else, except that I asked her if I treated her like she was beautiful. I don't know.

I'm going to go watch MASH and be as quiet as possible because when I'm not saying anything I don't annoy anyone. Cya.

-george
- posted by Gumby @ 9:04 AM

 
Day 8.

I feel like throwing up and crying and just leaving everyone.

I talked to my sister just now. My parents are arguing and worried. My mom's not crying yet. The cops have been looking for me since Tuesday. They wanted a reason why I ran away.

I'm going home tonight to pick up some things and leave my parents a note. I'm then going to stay with my friend tonight.


That or completely give this thing up. Grace isn't going to be with me anymore, although I'd really like her support and company. She's really been awesome about all of this. I'm surprised she's not sick of me yet, or at least she's keeping quiet about it. I really love this girl, and I'm glad she's such a good friend. I decided I never want to get in her pants or anything like that. Heh. That sounded awful, but it's true. I hope she finds someone that's perfect for her.

So I'm leaving. Or going home. I have to make these decisions within the next few hours. Yeah.

So if you don't see me for a while, don't be worried. Please.

cya.

-george
- posted by Gumby @ 12:27 PM

 
Day 7.

Thursday. What have I been doing? I don't know.

On Monday me and Grace didn't do much. I think we picked up some tarot cards which kind of kills me. We ate crepes. Nothing.

Monday night we slept at this kid Curtis's house. Curtis likes Grace. I don't really want Grace to hang out with him anymore because I think it's a little cruel, but it's her choice. I can't make anyone do anything.

Tuesday we went to Berekley and I bought the Shins CD which really made me happy because I couldn't find that CD anywhere. And nobody knows who they are except me and Teresa and this other kid I know which is pretty sad. And then we went to the arcade and went on go-karts and stuff. And I realized I have this uncanny ability to put Grace in a bad mood out of nowhere. Maybe not a bad mood, but I accidently hit her sometimes when I mess around and stuff. That sounds terrible doesn't it? That I hit her? More like bump into her I suppose. I'll just shutup about that. And I think I need to realize that Grace is more of a girl than she says she is.

Yesterday we went to Great America which was really awesome because we were both in good moods. And around noon we changed pants. Except that I was wearing jeans and that Grace was wearing a skirt. So I ended up wearing this long jean skirt for the rest of the day. And it was pretty hilarious because no one would make eye contact with me. Plus the whole fact that I'm straight.

And then when we went to Taco Bell around nine o clock that night Grace ordered six Gorditas but got six Chalupas and got in a really bad mood. I'm really tired right now. Grammar makes no sense. So she got in a bad mood which almost made me cry because we just had such a great day and she let something little like that upset her. And I just wanted to yell at her and hug her and just go home already.

And last night we were on her bed and we were cuddling a little and I was holding her hand and we were watching this Pauly Shore movie and I was really half asleep and I think I ended up kissing her on the cheek. Which I really shouldn't have. Because when I was thinking on the way back home, I realized that I can never try to be Grace's boyfriend. I need to be her best friend. Because she needs someone who thinks she's beautiful all around and not just on the outside. And not tell her that she's beautiful, but treat her that way. And I realized I like her, but I like a lot of people, and that I could just be her best friend. And that we both fall for people easily. And me and Grace both just need best friends. Yeah.

And when we were waiting in line for this ride Stealth she kept on swooning over this kid in a thrice t-shirt. And I said the guy looked like he was a counselor in a summer day camp and I kept thinking of all these fantasies for her of him that kept making her go "awww." And I made fun of her by swooning this older guy with wavy hair and this balding chubby guy holding a basketball. "Awww, the sun's shining right on his wavy hair, awwww..." And we both laughed.

And I'm starting to miss home a little, but I decided I might just stay here until school starts. To be honest with you, I really have nothing left at home. And maybe I should stop spending so much money and just be poor for a while, because that would be nice. And I think I should wake up Grace soon because she told me I should wake her up around 11 because she wants to hang out with her boyfriend Nick today. And I just know I'm going to end up being in an awful mood. And I'm worried that my parents might be really scared now since I've been gone for a week. And that I would never ever do something like this. And that I really miss them sometimes.

I think I should go before I end up crying and almost leaving again.

cya.

-george
- posted by Gumby @ 11:52 AM

 
Grace just hugged me. I just cried and cried because I wanted to whisper that this was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. And she hugged me and I cried and she made me promise that I wouldn't leave.

So I paid the parking meter and when I came back she was sleeping on the bed.


And I smiled.

cya.


-george
- posted by Gumby @ 9:27 AM

 
day 4


i keep annoying grace. im not doing it consciously. everything has been fucking up my train of thought. my eyes are teary and itchy.

i don't remember much of what we did yesterday. we basically went to buy some cds. i got radiohead's "ok computer" and grace got this interpol cd and this hot hot heat cd. she seemed really cheerful about it which honestly made the trip worthwhile.

and then i let grace drive around for a few hours. i don't know why i keep letting her. i think she's at the point where she doesn't even need to ask me anymore. i normally wouldn't let anyone drive my car, but she seems happier when she's driving, and i really don't have the right to take that away from here.

and we were driving down haight street yesterday afternoon listening to interpol and grace started crying pretty hard and i wanted to say something but i had no idea what to say. i wanted to hug her or kiss her on the cheek or something. but i ended up just wiping a few tears away which probably made her cry even harder. i don't remember to be honest with you.

so last night we went to pick up grace's boyfriend nick, who is a nice kid. but i didn't want to pick him up. i really really didn't. but grace wanted to, so we did. i know that sounds awful, it really isn't, it's probably just the way i worded all of that.

so we picked him up. i had this really bad feeling about it all, and i kept making all these wishes in tunnels about how i didn't want to do anything stupid with grace that night and that we'd be happy.

and i really got lonely because all i saw was grace and nick hugging and holding hands and kissing. and it really depressed me. i can't really say all of this to her, but i might as well write it down. it's getting me a little teary right now, actually. i suppose i just get jealous really easily.

i remember telling grace yesterday that if i ever started liking her that i wanted to snap her out of it. because she always has a random guy liking her after a couple days and she doesn't need this right now. she really needs a friend that she can depend on and that won't try to get in her pants after a couple days.

and when i saw grace and nick, i really wanted to leave. i don't know if i wanted to go home, but i wanted to leave. i wanted to get away from there. i know this all sounds very selfish. it is. this whole thing has been about me. grace could have left me on my own, but she's taken care of me. and really, this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. and i couldn't be more thankful.

and right now grace is sleeping on the floor. she was saying something about how the floor was really uncomfortable and how i stole the bed. and how that was my cue to ask her to switch places. and during all of this i was really half asleep and i couldn't really hear her until she got frustrated with me about it and when i asked her to switch she said it was too late.

and i've got to get out of here before i really start getting frustrating. i have no idea how we've been hanging out without her going absolutely crazy with me. which she is slowly geting to i think. this is really what fucked me up with corinna, but i won't get into that because it has nothing to do with anything.

so i want to leave. because of everything. because i don't want grace to have to do any of this. even though i want her to because i need a person like her to take care of me and i think she needs someone she can take care of. but either way im the one that really needs her more than she needs me. i just don't know if me and grace will ever be stronger than right now. our relationship i mean. i read this thing she wrote for her friend chris right now and it made me cry. because i knew me and grace would probably end this in a week or something. that it probably matters to me more than anyone. i don't know.

so i think im just going to get going soon. and i think it's really sad that all of this was about my relationship with grace and that i haven't even thought about my parents.

and i just don't want to do this to grace because one way im just going to get her really frustrated and angry with me and we probably won't be friends anymore in a week because im really fucked up inside the head, or i can leave right now and one person who really cares about her and not want to fuck her will be gone. i dont know. i just don't want to get her into any more trouble.

i don't want to be any trouble at all anymore.

sorry for all of this grace. thank you for giving me a spot on the bed. cya.

-george







p.s. sorry for taking your clothes. i didnt want to just roll you over and take mine. i think you at least deserve that much. i'll leave you a set of keys. i don't really need them. you can keep my clothes. i don't know if im going home. i don't know anything right now.
- posted by Gumby @ 9:26 AM

 
Hi. Grace doesn't have any paper on her so I have to do this. This is a secret. Yeah, I just woke up and Grace is still sleeping.

This is day 3. Two days ago I began my mission. I ran away from home. My parents have been really giving me grief about a lot of things that I have no control over. And even if I did, they wouldn't be the right decisions anyway. And all I really want sometimes is to please my parents. I never try to purposely displease them. And on day one, my mother screamed at me for calling in advance to tell her I was going to be a little late due to traffic.

So I ran. I left home.

And here I am. Grace has been taking care of me the past couple of days or so. And sometimes I feel so awful for her because of how much she drinks and smokes and has sex. And because it's all thanks to depression. And how I don't think there's anything I can do. And this morning I really wanted to leave because I didn't want her to feel like she had to take care of me because she thinks I really have no one else to turn to.

But then again, I really don't. All my friends are awful.

And it was depressing me like hell last night because I was thinking about how much me and Grace have been hanging out lately and how much I want her to be happy. And how it depresses her that almost every guy she becomes friends with starts to have a crush on her and wants to get in her pants. And how I started liking her a little and how she probably doesn't want to because our relationship as it stands right now is probably perfect for the both of us. Actual friends. Not the bullshit kind.

And I guess I'm just really lonely lately. And I think I should go because Grace is waking up.

-cya.

-george
- posted by Gumby @ 12:09 PM

 
Good morning.
- posted by Gumby @ 12:09 PM