Not what you think.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
3-2-05 8:14 pm
Ken: So, I woke up with fucking cum on my ass.
Me: Girl cum though, right?
Ken: No. Dan fucking jacked off on me while we were making out. I made out with Naomi by the way. I’m a vegan! I’m making a delicious tomato, avocado, salt and pepper sandwich!
Me: I’m never gonna stop eating meat!
Ken: You will though!
Thursday, February 17, 2005
SnowsBaby06: did u really yell @ a woman in hollister?
indiegumby: yeah, i did.
SnowsBaby06: omg thats awesome
indiegumby: i was so pissed
SnowsBaby06: wut was her response
indiegumby: silence
indiegumby: blaise and rob sorta urged me to leave
indiegumby: before anything else would happen
SnowsBaby06: o wow
SnowsBaby06: omg
indiegumby: ?
SnowsBaby06: ive been waning 2 yell @ danville superficial soccer moms my whole life...i just honk @ thme tho in the car
SnowsBaby06: *wanting
indiegumby: it was pretty satisfying
SnowsBaby06: i should try it
indiegumby: it was like
indiegumby: i crossed this line
indiegumby: that nobody has crossed before
indiegumby: and nobody could say anything
SnowsBaby06: i will soon cross that line b4 i go insane with bitterness
indiegumby: im trying to save the world you know
SnowsBaby06: r u really
SnowsBaby06: thats ambitious
indiegumby: yeah. by making things beautiful again.
indiegumby: danville soccer moms are ruining us
SnowsBaby06: nice. make me beautiful
SnowsBaby06: i agree
indiegumby: it sucks. the smartest, most beautiful of us are depressed
indiegumby: i just want people to write and dance and paint
indiegumby: and live
SnowsBaby06: i am soooo depressed @ skool.. u hav no idea
indiegumby: and not be excited when theres a shitty fight at school
indiegumby: or laugh when someone says something fucking dumb as hell like penis or something
indiegumby: i mean, the fucking SHIT kids talk about
SnowsBaby06: haha
SnowsBaby06: i actually am really excited by fights..lol
indiegumby: are you? i am too. i'm sure everyone is really, when they're not being phony as hell and all
SnowsBaby06: but i so no wut u mean
SnowsBaby06: i feel like i walk thru the halls so cynical bcuz people r SO LAME... ther is no personality in this skool
SnowsBaby06: its just a bunch of confused rich kids
indiegumby: god i know. no fucking personality at all
indiegumby: everyone is goddamn boring
SnowsBaby06: yaa
indiegumby: all people talk about are fights and drugs and GRADES when supposedly they dont care
indiegumby: all i want
indiegumby: is for people to be people
indiegumby: and not faceless kids
indiegumby: its like everyone's the fucking same
SnowsBaby06: omg i wish i wasnt so obsessed w/ grades. i want 2 feel free. i want 2 understand what its like 2 not worrie bout trivial things like hw and shit
indiegumby: i dropped physics
indiegumby: to try and do that
SnowsBaby06: i no
SnowsBaby06: o
SnowsBaby06: ya, i think we mite hav a quiz 2morrow
SnowsBaby06: lol
indiegumby: im taking it easy next year
indiegumby: heh
SnowsBaby06: it sux
indiegumby: i mean think about it
indiegumby: i dont remember clearly, but you wanted to be like
SnowsBaby06: wut r u doing next year
indiegumby: an interior designer or something? i dont know.
SnowsBaby06: yaa
indiegumby: why the FUCK do you need to take physics
indiegumby: i mean
indiegumby: its making me upset to see someone like you waste their talent
indiegumby: on bullshit
SnowsBaby06: cuz i hav 2 get into davis....thats wut im "supossed 2 do"
indiegumby: i know what you mean. what is it with us thinking you HAVE to get good grades
indiegumby: parents probably.
indiegumby: everyone around us probably.
indiegumby: i wish you wouldnt go to davis'
indiegumby: its so boring there.
SnowsBaby06: its society...its the school system...
indiegumby: you're too good hearted to be boring
SnowsBaby06: o thanks
SnowsBaby06: ur nice
indiegumby: you know
indiegumby: our world is really messed up
indiegumby: i just want everyone to really know that one day
indiegumby: and try to strive for something. i mean do what makes you happy instead of having sex and drinking all the time.
indiegumby: it seems like the only thing that makes kids happy at our school die the next day
indiegumby: no one's beautiful anymore.
indiegumby: no one even knows what beauty is
SnowsBaby06: thats so true
SnowsBaby06: every1 just hides, i think
indiegumby: i know.
indiegumby: im thinking
SnowsBaby06: people r way 2 insecure
indiegumby: in the next month
indiegumby: im really going to start making people be themselves
indiegumby: like
indiegumby: when we were all little kids
indiegumby: and we were all so beautiful and young and creative
indiegumby: and dreamy
SnowsBaby06: ya i just want 2 b a child again...and b innocent with no worries
indiegumby: and all we wanted was to be happy and for the most part that was easy
SnowsBaby06: ya
indiegumby: i think we all can be
indiegumby: we've just been brainwashed into thinking
indiegumby: that these things
SnowsBaby06: u should write a book abou this...the lost high school years
indiegumby: college and grades and money and money and sex and fucking what people think about you
SnowsBaby06: except it not b a narrative
indiegumby: i know.
indiegumby: it'd be important.
indiegumby: im thinking of writing something
indiegumby: small
indiegumby: like 10 pages
SnowsBaby06: so many people r age would read it
SnowsBaby06: it would create a revolution
indiegumby: fuck the newspaper
indiegumby: no one reads that
indiegumby: i just want to
indiegumby: plaster it on the walls
indiegumby: and get kids to paint morals
indiegumby: instead of boring white and red
SnowsBaby06: omg ya
indiegumby: how pretty would that be
indiegumby: if you looked up
indiegumby: and you didnt see all that white stucco crap
indiegumby: and you didnt listen to all that bullshit make up talk
indiegumby: and you could just look up
SnowsBaby06: ya
indiegumby: and see LOVE and BEAUTY and paintings of things that are innocent and wonderful
indiegumby: i mean how happy would that make people
SnowsBaby06: that would brighten my day
indiegumby: when i see a kid stoned and wearing his hat backwards and wearing fucking baggy clothes
indiegumby: trying to be happy
indiegumby: it makes me so sad
indiegumby: i mean, i look at him and see absolutely nothing'
indiegumby: and girls, the flowers, the ones that are supposed to make men find beauty and realize innocence
SnowsBaby06: thers nothing 2 a person like that
indiegumby: are the ones that are making these guys think what they're doing is all right
indiegumby: its not all right
SnowsBaby06: ya
indiegumby: seriously trisha this conversation is making me really happy. ive been really happy these last couple of days
indiegumby: knowing that there are people who understand
indiegumby: who know that things should be more innocent
indiegumby: that we shouldnt worry about the national budget. we should be be living together and singing songs and not crying anymore
indiegumby: we should be debating whether or not to grow a rose or a daffodil or a carnation
indiegumby: instead of debating whether or not to smoke a joint
indiegumby: nature, the most beautiful thing we could possibly have, the thing god gave us to love and take care of, is falling apart
indiegumby: one of the worst things to me is
indiegumby: volunteering to help others in order to get into college, which is really full of shit
indiegumby: and is awful
indiegumby: awful awful awful
SnowsBaby06: im so guilty of that
indiegumby: it's okay.
indiegumby: we all have been.
indiegumby: we're all guilty of wanting to be part of something bigger you know?
SnowsBaby06: taylor just read our convo
indiegumby: i mean what kid in his right mind would want to be different than everyone else
SnowsBaby06: ya
indiegumby: well fuck that
indiegumby: we need to be
indiegumby: or else we're all just going to get worse
indiegumby: really? whatd he say?
SnowsBaby06: i think hes mad or sumpthin....
SnowsBaby06: cuz i sed davis is wut im "supossed 2 do"
indiegumby: fuck that
indiegumby: fuck what you're supposed to do
indiegumby: do what you want to do
SnowsBaby06: and we were planning on going 2 college 2gether..me 2 davis and him @ sierra in sac
SnowsBaby06: ya
indiegumby: i dont know. it doesnt seem like that's going to make you happy.
indiegumby: maybe it will.
indiegumby: maybe he just loves you too much
indiegumby: thats probably it. im sure he wants you to know that.
SnowsBaby06: i guess
SnowsBaby06: i no he loves me a lot
indiegumby: maybe hes too brainwashed.
SnowsBaby06: i luv him a lot 2
indiegumby: thats good.
SnowsBaby06: i want 2 do everything that will keep us 2gether
SnowsBaby06: but i feel so sik and bored of skool
indiegumby: what does he wanna be when hes older?
SnowsBaby06: i dont want 2 go nemore. ive told my mom that and she sed it will b diff from high skool
SnowsBaby06: a firefighter
indiegumby: what the fuck
indiegumby: why does he wanna go to college
indiegumby: why cant you study to be an interior designer
indiegumby: and why cant he just become a firefighter
SnowsBaby06: cuz its hard 2 get a job as a firefighter now w/o a degree
indiegumby: what
indiegumby: that doesnt make sense to me
SnowsBaby06: 2 tell u the truth. i dont no wut the fuck i want 2 b
indiegumby: but okay
SnowsBaby06: im so lost
SnowsBaby06: im so scared bout the future
indiegumby: me too.
indiegumby: i guess thats why i want to be a writer
indiegumby: it helps me get all my thoughts out
SnowsBaby06: u should
indiegumby: and i wanna be a teacher too, cause i think id wanna make kids happy
indiegumby: and beautiful
indiegumby: and not let them be ugly all the time
SnowsBaby06: ya...middle skool or high skool
indiegumby: high school probably
indiegumby: middle school kids arent thinking too hard yet
indiegumby: the worst of us are the oldest ones
SnowsBaby06: yup
indiegumby: cause we encourage the younger ones to do awful things
indiegumby: maybe you should take a year off
indiegumby: and just travel and travel
SnowsBaby06: that would b nic
SnowsBaby06: *nice
SnowsBaby06: my parents would b so mad
indiegumby: you'll be an adult soon, you know that?
indiegumby: one day
SnowsBaby06: in oct
indiegumby: we all gotta tell our parents to fuck off
indiegumby: and let us start living our lives
SnowsBaby06: ya
indiegumby: we're unlucky to live where we live, trisha
indiegumby: our souls are trapped
SnowsBaby06: we're caugh tin a bubble
indiegumby: and we're scared because everyone around us is rich
indiegumby: and too concerned with things that dont matter when we die
indiegumby: i think life is supposed to be about learning and being kind and smiling and using all the time we can to be as wonderfully human as we can be
indiegumby: and not in school
indiegumby: school is important, i understand that. i wouldnt get rid of school
SnowsBaby06: school is such a waste of time
indiegumby: but id get rid of all the BULLSHIT in school
indiegumby: when was the last time you learned anything you liked
SnowsBaby06: i hope u speak up in AP lit cuz u hav a lot of stuff 2 say
indiegumby: i do sometimes. not all the time.
SnowsBaby06: umm us history with mr g
indiegumby: there are a lot of morons in that class, unfortunately.
SnowsBaby06: i love history
SnowsBaby06: haha ya
indiegumby: thats good
indiegumby: maybe you should study history for a little bit
indiegumby: if you like it
SnowsBaby06: mb
indiegumby: i mean you wouldnt have to make it your job
indiegumby: my favorite writer, kurt vonnegut
SnowsBaby06: wen i told my friend that i wanna study history she like, "omg..historians make like no money at all"
indiegumby: studied chemistry
SnowsBaby06: o
indiegumby: because he fucking liked it
SnowsBaby06: o
indiegumby: and then he did a million other things
indiegumby: anyway
indiegumby: what im trying to say by that is
indiegumby: learn what you want to learn
SnowsBaby06: k
indiegumby: you never know where life is going to take you
SnowsBaby06: u 2
SnowsBaby06: a
indiegumby: so enjoy whatever the fuck it is you want to do
indiegumby: you know?
SnowsBaby06: *ya
indiegumby: fuck money
indiegumby: what do we need all this money for
indiegumby: we need to eat and drink
indiegumby: and do things that make us happy
indiegumby: but thats it
indiegumby: we dont need all these clothes and dvds and shit
indiegumby: how awful is it when parents talk about money
SnowsBaby06: ya
indiegumby: and get stressed out about it
SnowsBaby06: i no
indiegumby: i dont ever want to become the type of person that makes money my top priority
SnowsBaby06: me neither
SnowsBaby06: i gtg eat cya
SnowsBaby06: good convo
SnowsBaby06: im glad somebosy understands
SnowsBaby06: *body
SnowsBaby06: i need 2 take a break. fuck skool
SnowsBaby06: bye
SnowsBaby06 signed off at 7:20:26 PM.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
11/13/04 - saturday, 11:21 pm.
we got in a huge fight today. in the morning we went to milpitas golf land and played photo hunt which was great fun. we played skeeball and i cheated at the "shoe basketball game" and she laughed in an embarassed way. then we won her a heart sticker. i love playing video games with her, not because it's nerdy but because we share a common childhood. lonely days playing video games and trying to forget about life. photo hunt was also pretty fun. god she's cute you know? then we went to pho world and gavin (we took gavin to golfland too) got some pho which was delicious. no spring roll though. pho guy was funny as usual. 1 water, 3 water, 5 waters. one pitcher of water and 3 small beefs we got. pho daughter was not there which was disappointing because i wanted dasha to meet her and laugh at the uncanny resemblance. pho guy gave blaise a fish tank a long time ago. we laughed at names we gave pho guy: norman, bobby, shaq, hank, etc. then we went to great mall. we got separated several times. we cried. me and dasha cried a couple hours ago. she got mad cause we kept splitting up in the mall and so forth. the details aren't that important except that when i got home gavin played on the computer and dasha called me and she told me it's over. i cried and cried and persisted it wasn't and then kicked gavin outta the house and drove there and cried some more and she finally hugged me and told me to smile and she was choking and we went downstairs and i patted her back and god she needed some air but she still was one sexy girl and i got her water, no i frantically got it like a servant and she smiled and said we needed to be happy so we played video games and were content.
god i love her.
Sunday, August 17, 2003
Just to fill in how I felt a couple nights when I was lonely and internetless.
Day 16. August 2nd.
I've begun to feel lost again. I think I've grown too attached to Grace. It's awful. Last night when we went to the arcade so she could hang out with her friends, I got really depressed and ended up chain smoking outside feeling sorry for myself and trying to cry. I think these cigarettes are making it so I can't cry as easily, which I don't think is a good thing. I don't know, maybe it is. Maybe my lungs will explode.
It's very depressing to listen to Grace talk about how she's going to die before she's forty like she's proud of it. She's a good person.
And two nights ago I got really lonely because of Grace and Kevin. And I realized me and Grace are best friends right now and will be for a while. So I went out and found a friend who bought me a carton of cigarettes so I could go surprise Grace. And when I got back she hugged me and said she missed me and I told her I missed her. And I went to bed feeling a little happier.
And the next morning I walked into Kevin's parents' bedroom and I saw all of Grace's clothes on the ground. And I felt like dying. And I asked Grace if she had sex with Kevin and she said no. And when I asked both of them how far they got, they said it was none of my business, which either means they did nothing and talked about messing with my mind, or they still did something goddamn awful.
And last night I got drunk which was horrible. Five shots. Two over my limit. I started throwing up at this diner we went to. It was orange. Thank the Slice.
And Grace got really pissed off because some guy made a cigarette burn in her favorite stuffed animal, which is impossible to find nowadays. Sentimental value maybe, I don't know. I think I'm too nice sometimes. Even with Grace breaking my goddamn car right view mirror, I was still happy to be around her. Maybe I'm crazy. She's probably going to crush me in the end. And I got all moody, and she ended up saying something like "the second we stop hanging out you get all emo and shit" which was really true and made me really frustrated, so I kind of hobbled outside and sat down and tried to cry. Which I couldn't.
And I really think I should stop hanging out with Grace because she's right. We have been hanging out a lot, and I should have been happy to see her having a good time with her friends. And I decided I won't get drunk again around Grace because she hates me when I'm drunk. Which makes me really sad because I try not to be so horrible, but I am anyway.
I think I should go. I'm spinning.
cya.
-george
Day 18
Me and Grace just got back from the beach. It was so fun. We didn't bring any swimming shorts or anything so we ended up just playing in the water and getting sandy and getting our clothes soaking wet. And it was really really nice. I don't know if anyone can be unhappy at the beach when they're smiling with someone they love. Well obviously they're not unhappy if they're smiling. Yeah.
Anyway, we were getting wet by the current holding hands and just having a good time. And Grace's ass was hanging out of her pants for good measure. And there's sand all over both of us, and I'm about to go take a shower.
And I really wanted to kiss her for a few seconds, but I didn't. So I gave her a hug.
cya.
-george
Day 22:
Fuck this shit. Everything is just wonderful. I want to go home.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
I'm at Grace's house. I've been letting Grace take the car out at night because she likes spending time by herself because she can't sleep. She doesn't have a license.
9:30 am. I get a phone call from who I thought was Grace. Officer Kelly from highway patrol. Grace got caught. She has to call my mom. I'm worried sick.
One hour later. Grace calls me. She says she's mad at herself. My mom isn't pressing charges. I'm lost in all of this.
She tells me how she wants to die, because she doesn't have anything worth living for. And I told her t hat if she died I'd be a wreck, and she said I'd live. I cried. Later, anyway, not in front of her.
Sometimes I wish I were cuter or more charming or taller or fucking older so Grace might care about me a little more. I know it's shallow, but if I were more of all of these things she'd probably be damn near in love with me. And if I treated her the same way I do now, she'd know that she'd have something to live for. But I guess I'm not really any of those things, so I'm just a friend to her in a really low way, since obviously I'm not a friend worth living for. I just feel so god awful. I feel like dying myself.
I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't know how to act. My mom is going to kill me. Her dad is going to kill her. I kind of feel like throwing up. I won't see Grace for like four hours I guess. Maybe I should just go get some lunch. Maybe not. I'm glad that I'm the first one she called at least. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I just feel like I could go away forever and no one would really miss me. I mean, I did. I left my house for 25 days, and the day I got back everything was the same. They missed me, but nothing bad really happened because I was gone.
I want to go to this art school in San Francisco because Amber goes there and she told me how wonderful it was and how it would be like paradise for me. And I really wanted to go. And I wanted to stay with Grace forever.
I feel sick. I'm not saying any of this. I just need to leave forever.
-george
Thursday, August 07, 2003
I feel so lame for writing all of that last night, but oh well. I did really mean all of it, so I suppose it isn't a total waste. It all just seems so horrible and corny during the daytime.
On a side note, I'm going to get drunk with a girl I like. Hurray,
I'm really more awake than I should be. I was wondering where Grace was and I looked outside the window and I saw my car parked on the side of the road.
So I put on my jacket and went downstairs and put a spare shirt I had in the door so it wouldn't lock. And I went out to my car and I heard the music playing but I couldn't find Grace. I was looking around and I finally saw her in the back seat fast asleep. And I looked at her for a few seconds with the music playing and I smiled. And I looked up at the stars and I felt little again.
And it's wonderful how little things like that can cheer you up.
cya.
-george
Watching this movie, watching Splendor in the Grass, watching Natalie Wood...
it all makes me like Grace a lot more. It just lets me know her a little bit better because of how much she loves this movie. Grace said it was one of the movies worth watching. And she's right. She's always right we agreed. Even when she's not. It's a joke we have, anyway.
I kinda miss her, and I kind of don't. And I kind of want her to read all of this, but then again I don't.
And this movie makes me realize I'm doing the best I can. And sometimes, you just have to sacrifice yourself and your feelings so that someone else will be happy.
cya.
-george
Day 20:
I wrote something in my journal a few nights ago but I couldn't post it. I will some time or another. Grace has been going out getting coffee without me at night because I've been asleep. It's very strange because I'm letting her use my car even though she doesn't have a license. And it feels like we're married because we bicker and laugh and are happy.
And I think the most horrible part about all of this is I think I'm falling in love with her.
I was lying here watching a movie and I saw her looking at old pictures of herself with long hair and dark make up on and she was really pretty and I felt so dead because even if I was sure of these feelings I have for her, things can't be like that between us, even if I wanted it to be. Because for one thing, I really feel inferior to her sometimes, but then on the other hand she needs me as a friend and nothing more. Someone that will always be there for her.
And to be honest with you, that's the only thing I can give her.
I feel so cheesy writing this. Falling in love with her. Who am I kidding? I mean, I've just been spending the past 20 days with her non stop and always end up missing her when we're apart for a few hours. Maybe I've just grown attached. That's more like it. And I'm running out of money, so it looks like I have to go home soon. Yeah.
I want to tell her how I feel, but I always think back to all these other guys who like her and how she's tossed them all aside like nothing because most of them just want to get in her pants. And I just want to kiss her sometimes, not to get any, but to see if we both feel anything. I'm just being dramatic here.
And more so, all of this is taking my mind off of everything. Including Starfish, which is a very good thing. And I think I'll continue watching Splendor in the Grass.
cya.
-george
Sunday, August 03, 2003
Me and grace had this crazy conversation last night which put us both in bad moods beforehand, but ended up having us being happy again at the end.
I really don't know why I get so depressed. I want to kill certain people. And yeah, I still miss certain people. You fuckers.
